For those of you who, like me, are still wondering what to give your “true love” this Christmas, the Garrulous Jay has a suggestion… How about all the gifts in the eighteenth-century Yuletide song, The Twelve Days of Christmas? But before you get carried away here’s what it’ll cost you…

1/ A partridge in a pear tree
• 1x 12 week French red-legged partridge = £5.10
o Source: Bonson Wood Game Farm
• 1x mature conference pear tree (in 30 litre pot) = £180
o Source: Grasslands Nursery, Cheshire

2/ Two turtle doves
• £180 each from birdtrader.co.uk = £360
• Subject to availability

3/ Three French hens
• £50 each for French Copper Marans from chickenstoyourdoor.co.uk = £150
• Described as “lovely big, gentle birds and well known for their Dark Chocolate Brown eggs”

4/ Four calling birds
• ‘Calling’ originally from old English West Country dialect ‘colly’ bird meaning blackbird
• Birds free but will need catching
• 1x Trap Man Corvid Larsen Cage Trap (with side entry) = £109.99

5/ Five gold rings
• £350 each for 5mm Traditional Court Standard Wedding Ring In 9 Carat Yellow Gold = £1,750
• Source: Goldsmiths

6/ Six geese a-laying
• £25 each hatched at home Chinese geese = £150
• Source: Pets4Homes.co.uk
• WARNING: advert states “not sure of gender” so laying may not occur

7/ Seven swans a-swimming
• WARNING: The Crown has held the right to claim ownership of all unmarked mute swans swimming in open waters throughout the country from as far back as the twelfth century…
• Claiming ownership and gifting swans could therefore result in criminal prosecution for theft by His Majesty King Charles III
• A local walk along a well-populated riverbank is therefore recommended = £0

8/ Eight maids a-milking
• £26.99 each for Gothden Women’s Apron Maid Dress Cosplay Costume = £215.92
• 8x volunteer ‘maids’ on adult minimum wage working 2hr milking shift = £183.04
• £1,600 each for British Friesian dairy cows (source: auction & private sale prices derived from Chat GPT) = £12,800
• NOTE – Price of cows may be recoverable after Christmas

9/ Nine ladies dancing
• Average hourly rate for professional dancers in the UK is £29.68/hour (source: Indeed)
• But you wouldn’t want something ‘average’ for your true love would you?
• £40/hour therefore assumed individual rate for a memorable 3 hour dance experience = £1,080

10/ Ten lords a-leaping
• Members of the House of Lords are not salaried. They can opt to receive a £361 per day attendance allowance, plus travel expenses and subsidised restaurant facilities
• Conservative assumption is each lord would wish to be compensated for a day’s attendance foregone with a modest premium
• Compensation £400 per lord = £4,000
• Assume travel expenses of £100 per lord = £1,000
• No subsidised restaurant facility or catering included
• The lords will require something to leap over: Athletics Direct high jump mat and equipment set = £3,212.62
• NOTE – event/personal injury insurance also advisable

11/ Eleven pipers piping
• £216/hour is the average price of bagpipers in London (source: lastminutemusicians.com) = £2,376
• Assumes an hour will be quite enough piping and ‘average’ will suffice
• Travel may not be included so will need to adjust accordingly

12/ Twelve drummers drumming
• £200-500+/hour is the price of top session or touring drummers in London for live performances (source: ChatGPT)
• Assume rate of £300/hour and one hour of drumming will be quite enough = £3,600
• Travel may not be included so will need to adjust accordingly

TOTAL COST = £31,172.67

Hmm… Might just settle for some nice soap and a good book.